


But I AM This Person

by kittensmctavish



Category: Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Bad Parenting, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Homophobic Language, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Tourette's Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 18:24:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14062788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittensmctavish/pseuds/kittensmctavish
Summary: The Ham Fam gathers at your house to watch your favorite film - "Phoebe in Wonderland".Originally posted to tumblr September 15, 2017.





	But I AM This Person

**Author's Note:**

> Cross posted from my tumblr of the same name.
> 
> Basically, I watched “Phoebe in Wonderland” and tried to imagine what reactions would be to moments. Kind of a live-blog, but not really. Though I do basically spoil the whole film there (because I love it so much and not enough people know that it exists.) The descriptions of OCD behaviors/tendencies for the reader character are based on some of my own, past and present.
> 
> Most of the unpleasant tags refer to stuff in the film, rather than in the story itself. If that makes sense.

Your name was being called as you left your kitchen, with bowls of popcorn. It was Ham Fam Bonding Night – a ritual held after some of the performances of the show, so everyone could get to know each other. With you being new to the production, Bonding Night was being held at your place. And apparently, one way everyone got to know each other was by watching the host’s favorite film.

“What?” you said, placing the bowls on the coffee table in front of your couch.

“We’re confused about your favorite movie,” Daveed said, snagging one of the bowls of popcorn as he plopped down into a chair next to the couch.

“We haven’t even started watching it,” you said, gently taking the bowl back from him. “Don’t be greedy.”

“But what exactly IS ‘Phoebe in Wonderland’?” Jonathan said, popping up from behind you, propping his head on your shoulder. “Is it basically like ‘Alice in Wonderland’ but with a girl named Phoebe?” He glanced down at the DVD cover on the table. “Apparently played by the tinier Fanning sister?”

“Not exactly,” you said, shying away from Jonathan (but not before he took the bowl of popcorn from you).

“Now who’s being greedy?” Daveed chided.

“I’ll get smaller bowls for everyone so we can SHARE the popcorn,” you said, retreating back into the kitchen, an anxiety building within you as you did. You heard a playful popcorn-related scuffle begin to build behind you. You opened one of the pantry door, revealing plates, bowls, saucers, and cups. You were about to reach for the bowls on your tiptoes when you felt a presence behind you.

“Here, I got it.”

You smiled. Just Lin.

“Thanks,” you said, leaning back into him with a small sense of comfort. He retrieved the bowls and set them on the counter before pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“You okay?” he asked. “You seem a little tense.” You turned to look at him.

“Yeah, yeah, fine,” you said. Too insistent for either of you to believe that was true. “Just…okay, just a little nervous about the movie.”

“What, that no one will like it?” Lin asked, lightly wrapping his arms around your waist.

“No—I mean, yeah—I mean…” You broke off, to wrap your arms around Lin and rest your head against his chest, closing your eyes as you listened to his heartbeat.

Being part of the show was still very new, yes. But so was Lin. You and Lin, that is.

Before joining the show, you’d been working at one of those office jobs where you basically did everyone’s “bitch work”, which included regular coffee runs. On one of those, you’d accidentally and quite literally run into Lin, who’d apologized profusely for spilling iced coffee all over your work clothes (to which your reply had been “At least it wasn’t a hot drink”, getting a laugh out of him). It ended up not being the only time you’d encounter him at the café where you picked up coffee orders. And it wasn’t the only time he’d apologize for that first encounter. In fact, he went as far as to extend an invitation (and a ticket to) a show that he was apparently in (and also wrote) that was apparently “pretty good. I mean, lots of people like it.”

It took you an embarrassingly long amount of time to realize that sweet, dorky Lin who’d spilled his beverage all over you was LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA (yes, something that warranted all caps). Because frankly, you were too overworked to pay much attention to Broadway, despite living in New York. And besides, you didn’t make enough money to see shows. But you ended up seeing – and loving – “Hamilton”, with the ticket he’d gifted you. And he insisted on taking you out for coffee afterwards so you could give him honest opinions on the show.

That ended up not being the first time he’d take you out for coffee at night, either, as well as running into you (figuratively) in the mornings. And soon, coffee “dates” became ACTUAL dates. He’d talk about his life, you’d talk about yours. He’d talk about ideas he had for future projects, you talked about your job search and how much it sucked. Actually, when you’d brought that up, he mentioned that there was an opening in the crew for “Hamilton”, and you’d done some theatre work in high school and college, maybe you could apply (but he wasn’t going to force you to).

Well…you did. And even if it didn’t work out, you could say you had. But it did. And now you were here.

And as much as you knew about Lin and Lin knew about you…he didn’t know everything.

“This movie…” you began, pulling away from Lin to look at him. “I’m…it’s basically like I’m gonna be showing y’all a part of my soul. And I’m just…nervous about reactions to that.”

“Well…you can always lie,” Lin said. “Like, choose something else. ‘Kidding, my favorite movie is actually “The Thing”’. Scare the shit outta Groff, that’s for damn sure.” You laughed.

“Nah, I don’t wanna lie to you guys,” you said. “Just…I don’t want you to think that I’m…less. After it’s over.”

“I’m sure we’ll like it,” Lin insisted, kissing your forehead again. You smiled at him as convincingly as you could. Then you picked up the bowls and walked back into the living room.

“If there’s popcorn everywhere, I’m not cleaning it up!” you called as you walked.

“Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie!” Daveed chanted, clapping as he did.

“Daveed, you are a grown-ass man,” Renee said, ruffling his hair (much to his chagrin). “Calm down.” Meanwhile, Pippa had come over to help you fill bowls of popcorn and hand them out to everyone.

“So I’ve seen this movie a lot, so if we need refills on anything, I’ll take care of them so y’all can enjoy,” you informed as everyone settled in different places on the floor, couch, and chairs (Lin saving a spot next to him for you).

“Why is this movie your favorite?” Leslie asked as you handed him a bowl. You finished with the popcorn silently before you answered.

“It just means a lot to me,” you finally said. “As someone in theatre and…” You smiled again – another smile that felt just as unconvincing. “Well, for a lot of reasons.”

“Well, let’s start this bitch!” Jonathan declared. You rolled your eyes, but put the DVD in and pressed “Play” when the menu screen came up. You quickly settled on to the couch next to Lin (who promptly wrapped his arm around your shoulder as you did.)

Soft piano music began to play as the first credits appeared. Then images of paper cutouts and stuffed animals filled the screen, all things related to Lewis Carroll’s stories, as the music grew to include xylophones and marimba and violin.

You smiled. A genuine smile. This music always got you. As the music played on and the screen showed Elle Fanning for the first time, as she observed her little Wonderland with a magnifying glass, you glanced around the room at the faces of everyone, to see if you could gauge first impressions from them. All pretty neutral, it seemed, maybe some amused smiles.

There were some groans at Good Job Jenny. Some laughter at Patricia Clarkson’s introduction to the film. More laughter upon Olivia’s introduction (“How does a seven-year-old have angst?”) So far, so good.

Lin could sense, though, that you were still nervous of what everyone was thinking. Moreso at the first scenes and signs of Phoebe’s behaviors (not that anyone knew what those were or THAT they were). He readjusted his arm around you, drawing you closer to him, to rest your head against him. You glanced over at him, and he gave you a reassuring smile. You smiled back, one that didn’t quite reach your eyes (he could tell, you knew he could tell) and turned back at the screen.

The introduction of Jamie came, over Patriot Girl dolls (American Girl expys). The boy talked to Phoebe about his favorite ones (everyone laughed when the American Revolution was mentioned).

“…Jonathan, I didn’t know you were in this movie,” Daveed said after a bit. Pippa and Renee both reached over to lightly smack Daveed in the leg. Jonathan just rolled his eyes at the comment, but laughed.

But…they seemed to be liking it so far. Or at least getting into it. Maybe it was the ballet scene when they REALLY got into it, or began to understand from the theatre aspect. With Phoebe’s line: “Maybe if I wore it [my costume] long enough, one day I’d wake up and I’d be that person.” And choosing your part carefully. There was even a little triumphant “Yay!” from Pippa when Phoebe signed up for the “Alice in Wonderland” auditions.

Speaking of the auditions…oh, the audition scene.

They were eating that shit up.

Well enough, with all the girls wanting to be Alice, that was familiar enough, that competition for the lead female role. But then Jamie walked in, offered Miss Dodger tea at the tea party, presented his resume and headshot, mentioned previous accomplishments in acting, asked to audition for The Queen of Hearts and…

“Oh my god, this IS me!” Jonathan exclaimed. “I don’t remember being in this movie at all!” And everyone died laughing, basically. “Oh my god, and he brought his own crown and cape!”

“To be fair, that’s what YOU did when you auditioned for King George,” Lin said, utterly deadpan.

Then cue Phoebe. And the laughter was gone. Replaced with some confusion when Phoebe repeated Miss Dodger’s exact words (“Your tea party was scheduled for twenty minutes ago”).

“Did she just–?”

“Yes,” you said, abruptly cutting off the question, not knowing who it came from. Because this was just the beginning.

“Kinda rude,” Jasmine said.

“It’s not rude, it’s…” You paused, as Phoebe tried to explain to Miss Dodger why she was late to her audition, how she needed to “wash her hands a certain number of times”, rubbing her hands together nervously as she did.

“It’ll be explained,” you said as Phoebe was allowed to give her audition another try.

Then came the square-stepping scene. How Phoebe had to step on every square in the right order or she wouldn’t get into the play. Frustration at her mom for making her lose track and having to start over. You squirmed again. Lin’s arm began to retreat, but you shifted closer to him, and his arm was back where it had been.

The casting scene. Peppered laughter at how relatable Jamie was (“No small parts, only small actors”). Some squeals when he was announced as the Queen of Hearts (followed by a “Oh, fuck off, kid” from Daveed when Jamie got called a “fruitcake”).

Through the whole scene, there were shots returning to Phoebe drumming her fingers rhythmically against the arm of her seat. Lin whispered your name into your ear, and you made a small “hmm” of acknowledgement as the drumming of the fingers became the aural focal point and Miss Dodger’s voice was echoing out. Lin said your name a little louder. Not so much that everyone could hear, but loud enough for you to look at him. He glanced down. You glanced down at what he was glancing at.

Unknowingly, you’d been drumming your fingers on his leg, much in the same way Phoebe had. You quickly drew your hand away, and shifted away from him a bit.

There were enthusiastic cheers when Alice was announced as Phoebe, but you were too self-conscious to pay much attention to them.

Come the first rehearsal montage, and everyone was quietly discussing Miss Dodger’s directing methods. Interrupted only by Jamie’s amazing comeback of “Homo got the part” when someone tried to insult him by calling him a “homo”. (Jonathan was ten shades of ecstatic at that.)

Immediately following was Phoebe and Jamie’s discussion on the section of the school roof. Everyone was relating more to Jamie, with him being the flamboyant theatre kid unafraid to play women’s roles even if people made fun of him. And yes, you loved Jamie and how brave he was…

…but then Phoebe said “Sometimes, I get this feeling…this feeling to jump off a roof…it’s what I feel like all the time. With the things I do. I know I shouldn’t…but I can’t help it. It’s like being on the edge of a roof all the time.”

The room felt quieter than usual when that was said (especially at the jumping off a roof insinuation). And as she said that, you reached over for Lin’s hand without looking and squeezed it.

This immediately being followed by Phoebe’s stair-jumping scene prompted you to get up with a quiet excuse of needing some more water. Really, you needed to duck into the kitchen before getting to Olivia’s bit of the scene – when she asked for another sister. “One who hasn’t got what she’s got.”

You breathed in through your nose. Out. Tried to force back bad memories of family. Tried to ignore the things you knew Lin was seeing in Phoebe which he’d seen in you, little behaviors, little “quirks” or “tics”.

You reverie was interrupted by a voice. You opened your eyes and saw Pippa.

“You okay?” she asked.

“Pippa, go watch the movie, I’m just getting some water,” you said, insistent, too much so to pass yourself off as “fine” because it was clear she didn’t believe you. But she smiled (sad, knowing, trying to give you courage) and walked back to the living room.

If anyone else were to maybe understand, be the first (who wasn’t Lin) to understand, it was Pippa. She’d taken you into the Ham Fam with the most open of arms (second only to Lin). Not that everyone else WASN’T welcoming, but she more than anyone else would ask if you needed help if you were lost, or how things were going, or if you wanted to get coffee some time outside of the show.

By the time you returned to the living room, Phoebe was running in place with the Red Queen (who looked very much like her mother).

“You okay?” Lin whispered as you settled into the crook of his arm.

“Fine,” you whispered back, eyes on the screen.

Another play rehearsal scene played out. More amusement found in the most relatable situations presented so far to your fellow actors. Leslie expressed his love for Miss Dodger’s eccentric nature. You relaxed a little.

You actually had to pause the movie for a moment while everyone got over Olivia’s Halloween costume at the beginning of the trick-or-treating scene (“Karl Marx!”)

Your relaxation was short-lived by Phoebe’s parents discussing Phoebe’s behavior. When OCD was mentioned, you could hear some “oh’s” of understanding. You weren’t sure how that made you feel.

“That’s just the way kids are,” Phoebe’s mom said, discrediting the notion of OCD, of labels. You shook your head.

“No,” you said in conjunction with Phoebe’s dad. Loudly enough for a few of them to glance back at you. You shifted, and nodded towards the screen. For them to keep watching.

Too obvious, you scolded yourself. Keep it together.

As soon as the bedroom scene started though…

…when Phoebe’s mom found out about Phoebe’s knees being bruised and scraped again. The stair-stepping again, three steps this time. And Phoebe’s resulting breakdown. How she HAD to do it, and how she couldn’t help it, and how she didn’t know why. But she wanted her mom to know.

You looked around. No one was saying anything, all eyes on the screen. Pippa wasn’t making a sound, but tears were streaming down her face. Renee dabbed at her own eyes. Leslie sniffed. Anthony was cuddling Jasmine closer. Daveed shifted in his chair.

You looked up at Lin as Phoebe cried that she didn’t know why. His own eyes were glassy. You quickly looked away, but cuddled closer to him, curling more into a ball on the couch, as though trying to hide in him. You blinked fast, to hold back your own tears, looking away from the screen. Because no matter how many times you watched this scene, it still got to you with its painful accuracy.

The next scene, though…of Phoebe’s mom instantly dismissing the psychologist’s diagnosis.

You were so ready to get up and leave. You always fast-forwarded through this scene, you hated it so much.

“You are all so ready to label, medicate, and move on,” Phoebe’s mom said, “as if a name means something, as if all the answers are in a bottle.”

“Fuck off,” you muttered to the mom, not looking up at the screen still. You felt Lin flinch. You knew he’d heard you. At the same time, though, you were hearing some disagreeing sounds from some of the others.

“Your profession just doesn’t like kids to be kids,” Phoebe’s mom continued.

“Fuck OFF,” you said again, louder, not caring who heard. Lin’s other arm wrapped around you, and you curled in closer.

“Yeah, seriously,” you heard Jasmine mutter.

And as the scene continued, Jasmine was getting angrier and angrier.

“Fuck OFF with this, bitch!” she ended up yelling. “Don’t make your daughter’s pain about yourself!”

“Jazz,” Anthony said, trying to soothe her.

“That’s what she’s doing!” Jazz insisted.

She wasn’t wrong. In fact, she was exactly right. But you didn’t say anything.

“You okay?” he asked. You shook your head. “You need a break?” You shook your head, uncurling your body. Lin unwrapped his arms from around you.

“Let’s just keep watching,” you whispered, shifting away from him a little bit. Lin nodded.

From one set of heavy scenes right into another. Jonathan muttered an exasperated, saddened “Oh fuck…” when Miss Dodger unfurled the Queen of Hearts cape with the word “fagot” written on it in white paint. Jamie’s heavy sigh, telling Miss Dodger to let it go. And Mrs. Dodger instead correcting the spelling of the slur, informing the children of its true meaning (“a bundle of sticks tied together”) and demanding to know” “Does anyone want to own up to idiocy as well as cruelty?”

“You tell them,” Jonathan said in the silence that followed.

Miss Dodger then went on to speak about the boys who played women in Shakespeare’s day, and you could FEEL the smiles on the faces of your colleagues. Because Miss Dodger was showing herself as so much more than a somewhat eccentric elementary school drama teacher.

A somewhat pleasant quiet filled the room for a while. Up until Phoebe got pulled from the play for spitting at another classmate who’d provoked her (and spat at her first). Their “NO’s” echoed Phoebe’s no. And the frustration hung in the air through Miss Dodger confronting the principal over his decision.

“I have very little control over this,” the principal claimed.

“Bullshit, you’re the goddamn principal,” Chris muttered.

“Why is that?” Miss Dodger said. “You’re the principal.”

“SEE?” Chris said, gesturing at the screen.

Then came the scene – your favorite scene, probably – of Phoebe and Miss Dodger in the catwalk, looking at the stage below them.

“I don’t want to do those things or say those things,” Phoebe said. “I just have to…except here. Everywhere else…I feel ugly.”

You couldn’t stop the tears from falling as she said this, and you covered your mouth in case you started sobbing out loud.

Because there it was.

There YOU were.

Not that anyone knew that. Not even Lin. Didn’t stop it from being true, though.

You felt Lin staring at you, so you quickly wiped your tears away. He pulled you closer to him and pressed a kiss to your hair. You rested your head against his chest as Miss Dodger gave Phoebe probably her best bit of advice:

“I want to tell you something which may not make any sense. But I should say it just so that one day, you might remember it, and maybe it will make you feel better. At a certain point in your life, probably when too much of it has gone by…you will open your eyes and see yourself for who you really are…especially for everything that made you so different from all the awful normal. And you will say to yourself, ‘But I AM this person’. And in that statement, that correction, there will be a kind of love.”

You thought you heard some sniffles. But you weren’t sure. Lin’s thumb traced down your cheek to wipe away another tear before he kissed your hair again. You took hold of his hand and held it tight.

Not three minutes later, the room filled with cheers when Phoebe’s mom said “You’re being put back in the play”. And everything lightened for a little bit when Phoebe and Olivia informed their parents that they wanted a brother, and related some of the wildly inaccurate but hilarious “where babies come from” misknowledge that only children can relate. Daveed and Jonathan actually joined in with Phoebe and Olivia’s joyful chanting of “We want baby! We want baby!”

And then Phoebe’s dad, while looking at Phoebe in frustrated amusement, said: “You think your mother could handle another one like you?”

“…did he just—” Leslie said in disbelief as Phoebe’s face fell.

“Worst dad,” Chris declared. “WORST. DAD.”

“Oh no…” Pippa said, hand over her heart as Phoebe fled the room.

You squeezed Lin’s hand as Phoebe began purposely stepping on the cracks that she’d been so painstakingly avoiding through the whole of the rest of the film, declaring “Screw you” to her father.

Later, when Phoebe’s dad was trying to apologize to Phoebe (“for being a shitty dad?” was Chris’s offering), what it boiled down to was “The words just came out.” And when Phoebe said, “Yes…that’s what it’s like…” You could’ve heard a fucking pin drop.

In a rehearsal scene that followed, Phoebe was clearly still affected by what her father had said. And when Jamie tried to help her, Phoebe instantly turned to him and blurted out “FAG”. A wealth of sounds were made – dismay, shock, sympathy – because Phoebe’s resulting reaction to what she’d said was immediate – clapping her hand over her mouth, eyes wide. She hadn’t meant to, but she couldn’t help it.

Immediately after, Phoebe climbed up to the catwalk, legs dangling through a trapdoor, and when she looked down, she saw Alice in the rabbit hole, as cards floated all around. And when she said “Yes, I’m ready”, and shifted herself away from the edge, as the screen went black and a dull thud of someone hitting the ground was heard, Pippa made a small surprised sound. Almost like a “No” or a “Don’t”.

Another line that hit too close came about five minutes later, after Phoebe had asked her parents if one is always supposed to feel hope.

“I can see myself wrecking and ruining…but I can’t stop myself.”

Lin squeezed your hand before you could squeeze his.

When confronted by Phoebe’s mom about her daughter wondering if she’s supposed to feel hope, Miss Dodger offered another amazing line:

“Sometimes, you think you don’t have hope, but you keep on anyway. And then you know you have it.”

Lin’s arm tightened around you.

The instant after, dress rehearsal was happening. The principal walked up to Miss Dodger, and all you could hear of what he said to her was “…now”.

“…did he just fire her?” Daveed asked, upon Miss Dodger’s restrained reaction. “Like, walk up in the middle of fucking rehearsal and fire her?”

“It would seem that way,” Renee said, disgust in her voice.

“YOU ARE THE WORST PRINCIPAL.” Daveed had cupped his hands around his mouth to shout this. “YOU AND YOUR STUPID MUSTACHE.”

“Daveed,” you said sternly, jerking your head toward the screen, where Miss Dodger gave her confused kids a last bit of advice: “Don’t stop”.

But he was right back at it when some of the kids were accusing Miss Dodger of “just leaving”.

“YOUR TEACHER WAS JUST FIRED, YOU LITTLE SHITHEEL.”

“Daveed, he’s, like, nine or ten, cool it.”

They all seemed to love, though, when Phoebe suggested that they continue on with the play. Sans director, sans teacher.

“Next thing I write and perform – no director,” Lin said. “Everyone just do things however the fuck they want.”

Then finally – FINALLY – came the scene where Phoebe’s mom admitted to Phoebe’s dad that, yes, the psychologist was right and Phoebe had received a diagnosis (soon to be revealed, but not quite yet). And when asked why she didn’t tell him, her answer was “Because I didn’t want her to be…less.”

You looked at Lin. He was looking at you. You knew something had connected in his brain with that fear of “being less”. YOUR fear. Even if he didn’t fully understand or know why you were afraid you were less, it was evident in his eyes that he didn’t see you as less. That he wondered why YOU would. You reached up to wipe away a tear from his cheek and pressed a kiss to it.

There were some “oh’s” when Phoebe gave her classmates the name “Gilles de la Tourette syndrome”. Understanding. “Oh yeah, that IS what she has.”

Final dress rehearsal scene. The principal came in, asking the students where the teacher was.

“You kicked her out,” the boy dressed as the frog said.

“Ya dumb,” Daveed interjected.

When the kids were asked by the principal who was leading rehearsal, Phoebe said she was. Then Jamie. Then the frog kid. All of them, declarations of “I am, I am, I am.”

“Spartacus,” Jonathan remarked during a lull in the “I am’s”. You reached out to smack the back of his head lightly.

And then…and then…the kids began to perform. Clanking spoons together, stomping in rhythm. Daveed bounced in his chair with excitement. Pippa sat up straight, with the biggest smile on her face as the music kicked in.

And when the number was over, and they struck a final pose, every single one of your colleagues burst into applause.

“Give them a Tony!” Leslie declared. “All the Tonys!”

“Suck it, Principal Mustache!” Renee declared, pointing at the screen, depicting the utterly baffled principal.

There was one last imagine spot with Miss Dodger in the catwalk, who kissed Phoebe’s forehead before she and Alice (the real Alice) ran in place off to Wonderland, in the glory of a spotlight. The scene then shifted to Alice and the Caterpillar, performing for parents packed into the school theatre.

The last line of the whole movie, was the caterpillar asking “You…who are you?” Phoebe-as-Alice looked up at the offscreen Caterpillar, then out at the audience…right at the camera…giving the viewers a little knowing smile…

…cue a black screen, and the piano leitmotif from the opening credits.

“Wow.” “Holy fuck.” “YES.” Some clapping.

They’d like it. They’d actually liked it. You sank into Lin’s side as the credits continued to play, a mild equivalent of collapsing in relief, or something like it. Lin seemed to sense that, because he instantly gathered you closer to him.

“It was a great film,” he whispered before kissing your forehead.”

“What a fucking emotionally exhaustive film,” Renee said. “I mean that in the best way possible, but…DAMN.”

“Fuck Principal Mustache,” Daveed chimed in.

“Fuck all the adults who were not Miss Dodger, basically,” Chris said.

“Well, personally, I thought I was GREAT in the film,” Jonathan said, all faux braggadocio. “No, but really, I saw so much of myself in that Jamie kid.”

“Is that why this is your favorite film?” Pippa asked you. “All the theatre bits?”

“Partly,” you said, sitting up to pick up the remote and hit “stop”. When you’d set the remote down, you stared down at your hands, unsure of where to start.

“You don’t have to explain the other part if you don’t—” Lin began to say, but you stopped him.

“No no no, I just…” You took a deep breath. Lin’s fingers wove with yours. You didn’t look up.

“I never colored with crayons as a kid,” you began to speak. “I sorted the crayons, by color, in to a long line of a rainbow. Then I’d bunch the rainbow up together and start over again. I never made pictures with my Lite Brite; I would just dump out the pegs and sort them by color, then dump them out and start over again. There was a span of a month when the only thing I watched was ‘Mary Poppins’. Literally, as soon as the movie ended, I’d rewind it and start watching it again. …even numbers. Everything had to be in even numbers. What I was eating, how many steps I took, how many times I chewed. I always had to start walking with my right foot and end walking with my left foot. I didn’t know why. I never knew why.”

“My parents thought it was cute. At first. After…hours of doing ‘odd little behavior’ I was doing, they’d tell me to stop. But I couldn’t. And I couldn’t explain why I couldn’t. And they never tried to help me figure out why. Just saw me as ‘the defective one’ or…whatever.”

Lin’s free hand covered your intertwined fingers. You still didn’t look up.

“I still have…the same, but not the same. I’ll listen to the same song on repeat for a week straight longer after I’m sick of it, because I just have to. The volume in my car always has to be on a prime number, even if it’ll be too quiet or too loud. It just has to be a prime number. Every time I – or anyone else – drive through a yellow or red light, I have to kiss my fingers and touch the roof of the car, or something bad will happen. I will reach out and pluck loose hairs from your clothing if I see them. I straight up had a panic attack at the theatre the other day because the gels for the lights weren’t organized in quite the right way. When I eat Skittles, M&Ms, gummy bears, anything like that, I have to eat them sorted by color, in a certain quantity with each mouthful. I still do the thing with the Lite Brite pegs, only with the coins in my piggy bank. I’ll dump them out, sort them, jumble them up, and sort them again. It…honestly, it calms me down. To sort things like that.”

You braved a glance up at them. A quick one. Faces unreadable. You looked back down.

“It goes beyond behaviors. Trains of thought, too. Like…someone will tell me I’m good at spelling. My brain goes ‘Remember the spelling bee in fifth grade where you spelled “kindergarten” with a C instead of a K?’” Therefore, no. I’m bad at spelling. I’m bad at acting because I flubbed a line when I was in ‘Bye Bye Birdie’ in high school. It’s just…constant. Finding isolated incidents to prove I’m not good at anything, and having no way to turn it off.”

You glanced over a the cover of the DVD. At Phoebe.

“The first time I saw this film, it was sort of like I was watching myself,” you said. “Like…not with the Tourettes, but…the step-on-a-crack. Walking on the squares in the patio in a certain order. The stair stepping.” You laughed a little and brushed a tear away. “I did that when I was little.” Another hand went into view on your knee. You didn’t need to look up to know it was Pippa. “When Phoebe explained it like standing on the edge of the roof…when she’s crying to her mom in bed…when she say she can see herself wrecking and ruining, but she can’t stop herself…”

You finally looked up.

“Long story short, Jamie is to Jon what Phoebe is to me.”

As soon as you’d finished speaking, Pippa had launched herself over to give you the biggest hug she’d given you (so far). You wrapped your arms around her and let her cry into your shoulder for a little bit.

“Is that why you were getting as mad as the mom as I was?” Jasmine asked when Pippa had let you go. “Like, when she was all ‘No, my daughter doesn’t have that, let me make my daughter’s angst about ME ME ME’?”

“Yeah. Because…I would have been so FUCKING grateful for a diagnosis when I was younger. Rather than thinking I was…defective. Or having my parents think I was. …and, you know, at least Phoebe’s parents got their heads out of their asses a little bit; my parents never hesitated to let me know how MY defectiveness was making THEIR lives miserable.”

“Wow. Fuck your parents,” Daveed said.

“Daveed!” came the chorus.

“Nah, he’s right, they weren’t the greatest,” you said with such a casual air that you could practically hear Lin’s heart break a little for you.

“Sooooooo you’re my Phoebe now,” Jonathan declared. “If I’m Jamie and you’re Phoebe we are now best friends. Like, changing your name in my phone and everything.” You laughed, but gave him a thumbs up.

“I’ll change your name in my phone, too,” you promised. “Right now I have it as ‘that one prick from England who sucks’.”

“ABSOLUTELY DO NOT CHANGE THAT,” Jonathan demanded. Whatever heaviness still hung in the air was now effectively gone thanks to that. And the conversation soon gave way to funny/profane/accurate nicknames everyone had for each other in their phones.

Lin remained very quiet through the rest of the night. He hadn’t said anything at all or seemed to have reacted at all to what you’d revealed. You figured it would come tomorrow. Maybe he just needed to process, write his thoughts out or something.

You got your answer later that night, after you’d said goodbye to everyone. After you’d headed back to the kitchen with empty popcorn bowls and wine glasses. When a hand grabbed your shoulder and spun you around and even though you’d sworn he’d left, Lin was still there, and he was holding you tighter than he ever had.

“You are not less,” he whispered, his voice hoarse, as though he’d been holding tears back for years. “You could never be less, and I could never think of you as less.” Your arms were around him in a heartbeat, stroking his back.

“I know,” you said. “I knew that going in. But…couldn’t stop me from fearing it.” You tilted your head up to kiss his shoulder. “And…you know, if you do decide that in the future, if you want someone less defecti—”

Lin’s mouth descending on to yours effectively swallowed the last of your word. The kiss lasted for barely anything before it was broken.

“You are not. I will never.” He kissed your forehead before resting his against yours. “On days when you can’t, I will be there to look at everything that makes you so different from all the awful normals. And I will say to you ‘…but you ARE this person’.”

You laughed through the tears you felt coming and kissed him again, feeling so much love from him in that statement, you could drown in him.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback welcome and appreciated.


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